Today my supervisor and dear friend sent me a personality test to take. Being the knowledge junkie I am I was excited to dive in and anxious to see what I needed to embrace and what I needed to improve. I invite you to try this out as I found it to be incredibly interesting and insightful. You can find it by clicking here!
What I quickly learned is that I am a campaigner. Okay, I know clearly this is not headline news! However, the rest of what I learned is what I feel will spur me to a better balance of embrace and change. One of the things I learned – or maybe was just brought to light – was that tons of my decisions and reactions are emotion based. I love new ideas and love embracing those but when they become routine I quickly get bored and move on. If I’m discontent I’m happy to move on without fixing things… ouch! I’m terribly self-conscious and extraordinarily compassionate even when there’s likely no need to be. As I dig deeper into this entire report, and trust me, it’s lengthy I see answers to many why’s in my past.
Here’s what I know to be true. Nobody should be defined by such an analysis but we should all be self aware enough to look at something like this and not only see the room for improvements but also allow ourselves to shine in the areas that we see good. Truth is I love to rally the troops, now this leaves my heart on my sleeve. I have to do better at finding a balance in that. I’m open with my feelings yet I’m easily discouraged when someone challenges my passion or questions my sincerity. The point I’m trying to make here is that we all need to learn to embrace who we are and be defined by both the positives and the negatives others see in us. I was found to be very “turbulent” meaning, I’m pretty self-conscious and have a great deal of inner conflict. More glaringly important is that my youngest son took this test and was also very “turbulent” and I cannot help but to wonder if this is who he is, or who he’s watched me be and learned that behavior. It’s truly made me spend some time today in reflection. I’ve now fussed at all three of my guys to stay out of the room so I could finish reading and typing my thoughts.
Turbulent is a tricky word. It’s definition is characterized by conflict, disorder, or confusion; not controlled or calm. Ew…. not a great word association. However, I will challenge myself, and you to think of somethings that could be potentially driving our internal angst. A couple of weeks ago I again removed social media from my phone. I left it on my tablet, which I don’t as frequently access. While sharing this with my spouse who is pretty annoyed with my on again off again relationship with social media, he said, “I just think all that stuff makes you unnecessarily anxious.” Offended at my resemblance to his remark I scoffed his comment and moved on to what I wanted to read. However, similar to my last blog post I am realizing the truth in that statement. I never set out to create comparison, but the reality is it happens.
I feel like I have to run at full tilt and accomplished a great deal to log in to see super mom who is perfectly framed in head to toe Lilly Pulitzer when I’m in my t-shirt and one of three pairs of black workout capris with smeared eye liner and bed head that mystifies me because I can’t remember the last time I saw my bed! I feel accomplished when my kids eat a protein smoothie for breakfast instead of sugar cereal only to see some awesome friend of mine has prepared a three course packed lunch in coordinating containers with artesian water. My house is lived in, it’s not filthy, it’s not June Cleaver’s and I want the kids to feel welcome bringing friends home. However there are moments that sends me into a panic because their mommas have posted pictures that I am certain came out of Better Homes and Gardens. Suddenly my house appears to be an upset of “What Not to Wear”, meets “Hoarders; Buried Alive.”
I’m internally conflicted because on any given day I will get up at 3:45am and work my large ass off to come home and prepare healthy lunch and dinner, only to give into my desire for Blizzard and Ale-8 at 9pm! I’m internally conflicted because there are days I am an encourager and an amazing mom by day and tumultuous Roseanne meets Frankie Heck at night. I’m turbulent because I’m completely unaware of how my size 16 butt could begin to be sexy at forty-one. There’s a hurricane inside me because for the 150 things I crossed off my to-do list today their 2000 cousins decided to hop on board. My insides are in knots because there are really adorable women posting amazing articles about everything they get done in a day and I cannot find time to read the damn article!
So okay, maybe the hub’s has a point, all the information is giving me overload and it is possible that ignorance is bliss. The reality is I have good, involved, balanced kids. They didn’t create themselves and despite my mess, with God’s mercy and grace they are doing well. My house is a place my children embrace as their personal sanctuary. They adore the mangy mutt on the front porch that leaves his hair everywhere and drags our trash about when the boys forget to hinge the lid on the can. The truth is my teenager has now said more than once that I “look pretty good for a mom without looking like you try to hard”, I’m taking that as a compliment. My kitchen is never completely tidy because I love to cook for my guys and their friends. I use my Vitamix no less than three times a day and yes it takes two crockpots and an instant pot all out for me to function on a daily basis. I work hard and I’m back to wearing heels and jeans I couldn’t button, and my gym crowd in my tribe so who cares if I mess up from time to time. (Note to self: Blizzards at buy one get one .99 today!) The fact that the to-do list grows means I’m good at what I do and get the chance to keep doing it. I read what I can and glean what I must and maybe the social media is about to leave the tablet too because I want to be more expressive and less turbulent. Maybe the only new about my normal is that it’s ever-changing, but the reality is I’m not alone and many of you are shouting amen in your stained t-shirt and workout capris as we speak!
Beth's New Normal 
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